 We're well impressed when we read in books about soldiers, Sherpas and other hard men who carry huge loads for vast distances. That's strength. Strength = the amount of stuff we put up with and still crack jokes.
So when someone asks us if we'll do something for them we say, “No problem” or even “No problem at all”. The more stuff we can say, “no problem” to, the stronger we feel.
Every time we agree to do something for someone we take on one more thing or burden. Fine, usually. The problem is we get so in the habit of saying yes - it becomes so part of our cheerful bloke persona - that we never get round to thinking about whether we actually should be saying yes or even whether we want to be saying yes.
Example: Someone stops you in the street and asks “Would you like to make a donation to St Kevin's almost dead donkey sanctuary?”. We say, sure, and put something in the tin. Another example: A colleague asks if we'd water his hamster for him while he's away on holiday. We say, no problem.
Did we want to do either? No. But we said yes. We really should have said no because…
The strange thing about loads is that their weight depends on the person carrying them. You might find painting and decorating enjoyable; I'd rather circumcise myself with blunt dentures. Interior design is a heavy burden for me. On the other hand I know blokes who groan at the thought of gardening but I can't wait to be swinging my mattock. Gardening is a light burden for me. The thing is we have this inbuilt ability to know what we can and can't carry easily. That's why we groan when we're asked to do certain things. It's a complaint from within, “That's not what I'm for”. A bit like the noise your washing machine makes if you try to mix a load of concrete in it.
 Don't say yes to things that you don't like doing / aren't any good at unless there's a really good reason why you should. If you do say yes you'll make a poor job of it, it'll wear you out and you'll hate the person who asked you to do it. That's why choosing the loads we carry is so crucial. It's why we shouldn't shoulder every burden people ask us to.
How can we get out of the habit of just saying yes? Simple. And difficult.
No. A short word that can save us, our friends and family from a wrecked, grumpy bloke. But one we don't like to use because it either makes us seem mean or weak.
Let's try it. Let's practise. Read all of the below questions and then answer them with the word “no”:
- “Will you work this Sunday?”
- “Darling, will you help me choose some new wallpaper for the downstairs loo?”
- “Dad, can I have a telly for my room? Everyone else has got one.”
- “Are you going to be visiting us over Christmas?”
- “Hope you don't mind us calling you at home. Would you be interested in learning about our new product, sir?”
- “Would you like to see the video of our holiday?”
- “Big Issue?”
How about that? Couldn't you just feel life returning? That was your soul getting a bit of room to breathe under the pile of stuff it's buried under. Saying no sounds rude because, well, I don't know why but we've been taught that it does. In reality saying no protects you and it protects other people. Saying no wisely is what stops us from becoming overburdened.
If you learn to say no, smart people will start to feel comfortable about asking you for favours because they know you will give them an honest answer - that you won't say yes and be hating them for asking.
If people don't like us saying no, that's their problem, not ours. Be polite about it but say no. Then we don't make them live with a grumbling git who seems to hate everyone for making his life hard.
Further reading: Changes that heal, Dr Henry Cloud
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